Sometimes, I Wonder

Sometimes, I wonder if I am cut out to be a slave.  I believe it an easier adaptation for younger women than for someone like me, 42 with two marriages behind me and two sons, and a Master who is 6 years my junior.  I have been independent all my life, in most respects, and I just wonder if this is going to work out.  I love my Master – of this there is no doubt, and I WANT to serve him.  But sometimes, his demands seem outlandish to me.  And I don’t know if that is because I’m new to this or because I’m just not going to be good at it.  Still, HE is an authority on such things, as I have been cloistered most of my life in monogamous relationships and celibacy.  And I have a feeling that I still have yet to truly LIVE (or perhaps I’m just going through a sort of mid-life crisis).  While a disadvantage of the mileage between us is not to my liking sometimes, it also has its advantages.  Of most importance is that I get to be myself, think for myself, do for myself…whether I’m wearing the collar or not…while we’re separated.  And the time that we DO spend together is DELIGHTFUL.  There are times, and I would say that I go through them every day, when I wish Master was with me, but honestly, I don’t believe it would end up being an ideal situation.  But again, I am merely rambling, and must explore this world more before I form an opinion of it.  So, here I sit…wondering about it all, yet knowing that only time will tell.  I am not the patient sort, and like to have my eyes wide open when entering into a situation, but in this particular case, I feel I have a blindfold on.  Sometimes the only thing that holds it all together is the trust I have in my Master.  He is leading me down this path and protecting me as I explore the “other” side of life, but whether or not he can erase 42 years of hard wiring has yet to be seen.  I may find that I like this a LOT.  I may find it abhorrent.  Right now, I would say I am “uneasy” and perhaps have a case of cold feet, but I like the idea of new experiences and I like to look at all sides of a stone when I pick it up.  Still, I have conflicting emotions:  aching, sadness, rebellion…among others.  I don’t know.  I think I need to talk with Master some more.