Master left me…but came back. A lot of other things, that I’m too tired to get into. Will try to explain more later.
Sir came by last night, and it made me realize how much I care for Master. Don’t get me wrong, Sir is a perfectly nice man, but he is not Master. Sir brought us (my son and me) supper, and we showered together and had sex. Sir lacks a certain finesse that Master has, which I attribute to his age – he is only 23 to Master’s 36 – and while I care for Sir a GREAT deal, perhaps greater than I should, I love my Master and handfasted Lord. Sir, however, seems to have fallen for me, and I to an extent for him, but my heart belongs to Master.
Last night was a big step for me, for I had not had sex with anyone except Master since our handfasting because I felt it was cheating – even though I knew he was having sex with other people. So I consider my night last night to be my formal introduction to polyamory.
Sir will be coming over again on Saturday (tomorrow), and Master on Wednesday. We are having a coven meet and greet on Wednesday, and on Thursday, I am going to get my labia and nipples pierced. My biggest fear about that is that I’ll chicken out mid-way through, but I have made up my mind to suck it up and gut it out and get everything I want done despite the pain. Master will be there with me to hold my hand. With Master by my side, I can do anything!
The new Sir is rough. I feel like my clit needs crutches! And it’s a little difficult to take him seriously, because he is almost half my age…he’s 23 to my 42. He is into orgasm denial and control. He knows a lot, but he is not NEARLY as refined as Master. I do, however, like spending time with him, and feel certain the rest will fall into place.
Master won’t be up this week, but another Master is coming to take his place. This man, whom I will call simply, Sir, is kind and considerate and a romantic at heart. Still, it has me reeling and I am unsure what to do. Master and I went through some problems last weekend, so I don’t know what to think or feel. I am utterly confused. And while I look forward to spending time with Sir this week, my loyalties are at a loss. Because Master is not just my Master, he is also my handfasted Lord, and High Priest to my High Priestess of the coven. Still, Master acted in uncaring ways at times when he was up last, yet also in caring ways, too. He downright disrespected me…if it is possible to disrespect a slave. But whether it is or not, he disrespected the Lady he handfasted. And it hurt. I feel he has become complacent and is taking me for granted. Because of this, my heart has erected a wall around it where he is concerned, and this is not good. I am truly troubled this evening as to where things are going with Master. At times, I want to give up. Be alone. Yet, I am lonely, very lonely. I feel lost.
I think I have stated this before, but Master allows me to sleep around…just like he does. I can sleep with any girl I want to, but for men, I have to get his approval.
We met a couple of people at my house this past Saturday night who are interested in the coven. For some reason, I was attracted to the male of the twosome. He expressed interest in me today, something that delighted me. So, I asked Master if I could “be” with him, and Master approved. He will be coming up Thursday night and Saturday night to be with me. He is VERY attracted to me (I don’t know why), but I am also VERY attracted to him. I see this as a sign that I am progressing in the lifestyle, which makes me very happy. Master won’t be up this week, so it’s also good timing. I look forward to Thursday, and again, Saturday. I would go so far as to say I’m excited.
Other things: We’re having a “meet and greet” for potential coven members on the 3rd of October at my house. Earlier on that day, I will be getting my labia and nipples pierced. That is the next time Master will be up.
This past weekend, I found some of Master’s behavior to be rather rude. He was on my computer, as always, but was chatting with a woman he regularly sleeps with in front of me. I didn’t like that. However, I am but a lowly slave, so could not say anything about it. If it happens again, though, I plan to.
My parents took our news well. Better than expected. I am relieved. I asked Master what his plans were for Thanksgiving, and he said he was considering flying out to Baltimore to be with his ex-girlfriend, and that made my blood boil. Seems I will always be second best to this woman, and for the life of me, I do not see what he sees in her. He told me that the man she is living with will be gone, and he felt sorry for her. I asked him who he wanted to be with more, but he never gave me a straight answer. Again, I do not feel I have the right to demand anything of Master, but I DO believe he needs to know that he’s hurting me. So I emailed him earlier this evening, perhaps saying more than I should, but I had to get it out. One of the things I said was that he treated me like trash…trash he wadded and dashed to the ground and walked away from. He will not like hearing it, but it was something that needed to be said.
Master will be here in about 8 hours, so I’m happy. Unable to sleep, I am so happy. But yesterday, I was a bit down, knowing he was with someone else.
Is my life a train-wreck? I mean, I am quasi-married to Master, I am his pleasure slave…certainly to VANILLAS like my parents, it would appear so. They don’t know about Master…have never met him. They would NOT approve. There are A LOT of things that they don’t know. I keep it from them for their sanity’s sake.
Yet, I feel that this is how I want to live my life…obviously, because no one forced me onto this path. I mean, I lead an eccentric life: I am a witch, polyamorous, and a slave. But looking at me from the outside, you wouldn’t guess it.
I don’t know. I wonder, sometimes, whether I’m insane or not.
Master and I are meeting with a Domme tonight to discuss Pagan issues…basically, our coven and her Druid Hearth. I am very nervous. I do not want to make Master look bad in front of the Domme. But my 10 year old son is going to have to come with us, so, I’m afraid. I have to be an authority to my 10 year old, yet a slave to Master, and I don’t quite know how that’s going to be accomplished.
So….WISH ME LUCK!
Master is going to see someone ELSE tomorrow. This I know for sure. I am NOT sure of who it is, though I have a pretty good idea. I was nonchalant in my communications to him regarding this matter. I only asked that he washed between seeing HER and seeing me. But it’s got me all coiled up inside. I am sad, bitter, and angry, yet I cannot express this to Master. He is free to do as he chooses. It is just ME with the problem, not HIM. I knew what I was getting into. I CHOSE it. He is such a magnificent man, that I would choose it again. He is so COMMANDING, which is just what I need. Yet he is also my friend and lover, and it is these aspects of me which are hurt…not the slave within me. And, he is also my husband, though we are apart, at his choosing. At least for a year and a day. (So it goes with Wiccan beliefs). I feel tonight, like giving up. I feel like I never meant ANYTHING to him. Though I KNOW this is not the case. Still, I can’t help but feel. If ONLY I could set my feelings on a shelf when he comes to visit, but he inspires so much PASSION in me, that I cannot. I am fully engulfed by him!
I am a sad slave tonight. I am lonely without my Master and Lord. Even though it’s less than 48 hours before we see each other again, I cannot help but feel it ISN’T WORTH IT! I would rather crawl back into my hole…to feel all the loneliness inside, than to feel like THIS! I am a jealous slave. And for that, I am not worthy.